Hello my name is Martha Kelly and
I'm the host of Cap City's new comedy series called "In
the Can with Martha Kelly." The series includes
video interviews of your favorite comics, a live "In
the Can" show once a month at Cap City,
and a "bloggish" column you can find weekly
at this website. I've tied all of this together with a
string of awkwardness the likes of which the world has
not seen since we all got up this morning. So get ready
to relax, lean back or forward and feel awkward.
August
16 , 2009:
Go Nightly into that Good Gent
Dear "In the Can" blog,
Let's face it – we done rode this
horse as far as she'll go. I mean looks like we made it,
left each other all the way to another love. In other words
this dog won't hunt, or he will hunt but he'd rather lie
down in the shade. I don't know what to tell you. Did we
run out of hope? Well it depends on how you quantify hope.
If getting up in the morning and putting on a pair of pants
signifies an incomplete surrender, then we done still got
hope. If we were hoping that what's inside the pants would
continue doing "In the Can," then we got ourselves
a problem here.
Listen, we can go two ways with this.
We can pretend to feel a sense of loss as we say goodbye
to a video series we never watched and a blog we never read,
or we can get too real up in here and admit that we're not
even reading this farewell entry. I say let's look on the
bright side: without "In the Can," we'll have
more leisure time for things like inner tubing on the river
and making fun of jazzercise. Why, a whole new world is
about to open up to us. By this time next week we won't
even remember what we weren't so upset about.
Guys, I've got a confession to make: by
day, I'm an office administrator; by night, I am as well.
Do I do comedy some nights or attend old-fashioned TV-watching
parties on occasion? Sure, but I never forget my real purpose
in life: to secretary and receptioneer each day as if it
was my last. No paper products will go un-ordered on my
watch. Did you say you couldn't find the Johnson file? Let
me at it – LET ME AT IT! I swear to God I'll tear
this place to pieces if that's what it takes to raise that
Johnson file from the dead.
Hold the phone – you say you need
a dozen 100-page reports printed and bound within the hour?
Done and done. I can take care of that standing on my head,
and probably will if it might cause me to lose consciousness
for a short sweet while.
No I'm not unhappy here; I'm just thinking
that a power nap might help me run faster. No reason in
particular, you just never know when you'll find yourself
within hopping distance of a train and be struck by the
urge to start a new life somewhere else. I'm not saying
I'm leaving. I'm just saying that I don't want to get shin
splints and have to file for worker's comp should the urge
to flee ever override my desire for comfort and security.
Which it probably won't – my urge to avoid going to
the bathroom outdoors is pretty strong. Plus my cats and
dog will never go along with it. Still, it couldn't hurt
to take a short nap. Preparation is key.
Well guys, we're at the end. Did we have
ourselves a time or two? Some would say we did. Who those
people are and if they even exist, no one can know for sure.
The one thing we can know is that Texas is the best-as.
Git git git! As Roscoe P. Coletrain used to say.
