Hello my name is Martha Kelly and
I'm the host of Cap City's new comedy series called "In
the Can with Martha Kelly." The series includes
video interviews of your favorite comics, a live "In
the Can" show once a month at Cap City,
and a "bloggish" column you can find weekly
at this website. I've tied all of this together with a
string of awkwardness the likes of which the world has
not seen since we all got up this morning. So get ready
to relax, lean back or forward and feel awkward.
July
5 , 2009:
Escaped Dummy on the Loose
When I moved back to Austin last October
I bought a used car. Not just any used car, but the first
and only used car I looked at. Not knowing anything about
cars and being at the time in what my friend Carolyn would
call a "lady alone situation," I figured I'd be
just as likely to get a lemon looking at one car as 20.
I took the same approach with renting a house – only
looking at one and giving the landlord 3 months' rent up
front. I know it was dumb but in my defense I'd just driven
across country with an SUV full of resentful animals. All
I cared about was getting settled as quickly as possible
so that we could work out our differences in a group nap.
Given my selection process, did it catch
me off guard that the "service engine soon" light
came on three and a half days after I bought the car? Against
all odds, yes it did. Was I shocked two weeks later when
I looked under the hood and found a twist-tie in plain sight
around one of the engine's hoses? Okay used car, you got
me again. What about a month in when my temperature gage
went all the way past the "H" at the same time
that the heater stopped working, did that throw me for a
loop? Fine, maybe a little, but I took that loop and threw
it around the car dealership, showing up unannounced and
demanding a free loaner car while they fixed what was wrong
with mine.
As the narrator of the Dukes of Hazzard
would say, "Oh they fixed it all right. They fixed
it all the way to kingdom come." Turns out the car
had a major leak somewhere in the radiation system and seven
months later it kicked the bucket for good. I threatened
to launch a grassroots uprising against the dealership but
in the end I realized I don't like to fight for more than
a minute or two. I mean fighting ain't napping, as the guy
from "Showgirls" says. You ladies know what I
mean.
On a happier note, shortly after the
car fiasco I started having a silent feud with a guy at
my neighborhood walking trail. He let his dogs (who were
great) off the leash and every time they saw Buddy, they'd
run up and try to play with him.
As I would with any dog owner I saw 5
or 6 times a week, I started out saying hi to this guy and
throwing him my award-losing closed mouth smile. It's really
more of a grimace that's supposed to communicate "I
don't have anything against you, stranger." For whatever
reason, he never reciprocated. After a couple of weeks I
finally diagnosed him as being too cool for school and stopped
saying hello.
Welp, hope springs eternal and a few weeks
later when one of his dogs ran up to Buddy again, I thought
"maybe this guy's just painfully shy and if I make
an outright attempt at small talk, he'll respond."
So as his dog barked and jumped on Buddy I said "I
guess your dog likes my dog? Is that why she runs up to
him all the time?" and he says "She likes all
dogs" and keeps walking. So then I said "Well,
I wasn't asking her to marry him." Fucking Oh Snap
City! How's that feel Johnny Hotshit?
I guess that does it for now. Happy 4th
of July everybody.
