May 17, 2009:

Reality shows = the dark ages have returneth-ed

Dear blog,

I'm afraid that while the smart panted people and bleeding heart glitterati were pointing their accusatory stares at the Bush administration, the real Satan was opening the gates of hell and dragging us all in. Yes Reality TV, someone is finally pulling your covers. Oh, people have already been harping on this for years? Well it's about time.

They started out fun, back in the day. The Real World, Los Angeles was a hoot. We'd get high every Wednesday night at 9:45 in anticipation of that week's episode. We'd also get high every other night in anticipation of how good it felt to get high. But Wednesdays were special because we got to watch people who were much more popular than we were in high school act like idiots on TV. Thank you The Universe for doling out that karma.

Then Survivor came along, and suddenly we weren't watching the hoi polloi get pulled down off their pedestals anymore; we were watching supposedly regular people torture themselves and each other for money. And lie to each other for money. And starve for it, eat garbage for it, vomit for it, get submerged in feces for it, and pretend their grandmother just died for it. At first it was shocking TV, now it's the norm--even boring. You can't get people to tune into a show anymore just by getting someone to eat a bull's balls. Now you have to get the bull drunk and have him snatch somebody's wig off. We're all going to hell.

Why am I suddenly sounding the alarm, you might ask if I'd let you get a word in edgewise? Because I just tried to watch two minutes of Bret Michael: the Rock of Love. And it broke my dumb heart. At least on Survivor the contestants were usually healthy and strong and had some kind of fighting chance against the maggots they were eating. Now reality shows are filled with sad sacks who can barely keep their lipstick on, let alone hold up under the pressure of a danged ol' "talk dirty to me" challenge. I mean for God's sake can we take back the night already? Stop marching bra-less on college campuses and start marching on your TV. We are doomed, I tell you. Doomed.

I know I'm late getting onto the anti-reality show bandwagon but hear me out anyway because my voice is rising in hysteria. This isn't about the loss of art on TV or the lack of jobs for good actors and writers or the death of the sitcom--it's about Armageddon. Money is not the root of all evil, but greed is. And every part of reality TV shows from the contestants to the producers to the editors, advertisers, and audience are all operating out of greed. Our entire species will go the way of the dinosaurs if we don't turn this ship around. Yes, I know that we're going to go the way of the dinosaurs eventually anyway, but dammit can't we go the way of the ones that didn't stab each other in the back and call it "playing the game well?" Help.

Seriously the four of us who are reading this: let's stop agreeing that anything is okay if you're doing it for money. We're not crazy and we're not monsters, we don't have to go along with this. Let's get out there and NOT DO STUFF FOR MONEY. We can all live with my parents until summer vacation's over. After that I'm sorry to say it's bull's balls city, here we come.

love,

Damn Hippie

Added May 17, 2009