Hello my name is Martha Kelly and
I'm the host of Cap City's new comedy series called "In
the Can with Martha Kelly." The series includes
video interviews of your favorite comics, a live "In
the Can" show once a month at Cap City,
and a "bloggish" column you can find weekly
at this website. I've tied all of this together with a
string of awkwardness the likes of which the world has
not seen since we all got up this morning. So get ready
to relax, lean back or forward and feel awkward.
April
19, 2009:
Gum catastrophe thwarted
Dear long lost buddies,
Sorry it's been so long since I've had a chance to write.
Act like you're hurt and angry. I got a temporary 9 to 5
job a couple of weeks ago, and before that I had a cold.
Before that I was on the Crackpot Tour. Let's face it: this
has been a whirlwind of a late winter/early spring. It couldn't
get any wilder without somebody being forced to throw out
a brand new pack of chewing gum. Oh hello El Rey Theater,
I didn't see you standing there.
Well there's no sense in whispering it now: the El Rey
Theater has received recent threats of gum vandalism. According
to El Rey officials, a newly installed carpet has put the
theater's security force on high alert. Upon spotting some
Dentyne Ice in my purse Monday night, a female security
officer sprung into action. "You can't have gum in
the theater. You can either take it back to your car
or throw it in the trashcan." Not to nitpick but this
guard made a potentially catastrophic mistake. You don't
give a suspect any choices--it's either "throw your
gum out now" or "hit the dirt." You never
give the option of retreating to a getaway car. Any rookie
would've known that.
Despite that one weak link in the chain, the theater is
holding steady against enemy forces. Not only are its security
officers borderline Navy Seals but the building itself has
been camouflaged. With the very real threat of a gum throwing
rampage on the horizon, the theater owners went to the trouble
of disguising the new carpet under a layer of dirt, oil,
and natty threads. They don't call the El Rey "the
James Bond ofTheaters" for nothing.
Anyhoot, I have clearly not changed into a nicer person
since we last spoke. But I have changed into what's known
as a "working gal" and I'mwhat they call "lovin'
every minute of it." I've been temping at an advertising
and promotions agency and have already won two "employee
of the year" certificates that I printed out and signed
myself. My sister works here and it's a great company. The
interior has a really creative design—each department
has its own theme. Accounting looks like a bank lobby with
teller windows, the front desk is the interior of a real
old Greyhound bus and the adjacent lunch area looks like
a bus station snack stand. The waiting area for one of the
owners' offices is designed like a fancy old hotel lobby
with luggage racks, a circular couch, and a real koi pond.
Guys there's a lot more to talk about and plenty of time
for you to sleep through it, let's be honest. But right
now I need to positive visualize myself into a two bedroom
house in Silverlake with a great roommate. Wake me up when
it's time for my lunch break.
